The Fly
I took advantage of the gorgeous weather by going to my favourite outdoor space to soak it in. And when I say soak it in I mean, feel that sunshine deep in my bones.
I practically raced to the car park. And I didn’t even take time to park the car properly, but there weren’t too many other cars in the lot, so it seemed like a minor detail. I’m telling you, I needed that sunshine heat more than anything.
Rushing to my favorite sitting spot, I wasn’t entirely sure why I was so driven… it was as if I was worried time would run out, or I’d get a call from preschool about picking up my son, or I’d remember I had an appointment… the race against myself was on.
Unzipping my coat, I leaned into the wooden bench.
I took a breath.
I sat.
I watched Tui birds flutter ahead, their bird speak a robotic call I’ll never be able to replicate because I’m too human.
I thought about the crap going on in America right now. The DNC disappointment, the gun violence, the election, the supporters, Black Lives Matter, contaminated water, the drug epidemic, everything. It weighs heavy on me. I would never turn a blind eye to these issues, but it definitely breaks my heart. Sometimes the busyness of my own mind forgets how to be still.
How do I hold the noise, not let it take over, and still find peace?
I thought about what’s before me. Now. In this moment. The spot I sat in is one I saw in pictures online before moving to New Zealand. I would look at it everyday to remind me where our adventure was headed. A picture of the Ponga, Hinau, and Tawa trees dressing up the rigid hills on the blue-sky backdrop, with patches of green pasture at the top where sheep most likely graze.
I sat.
I breathed.
The heat from the sun warmed my otherwise chilled skin.
I moved further into the bush to another bench with spectacular views of the range. A bit windier, I opted to lie down. The sun directly above me, I was forced to close my eyes.
And listen.
I lay there for a good twenty minutes, until I realized I was probably falling asleep it was so heavenly. When I opened my eyes, they were filled with tears.
In that moment, I was happy.
I was flooded with memories of when we arrived to New Zealand and frequented this place: my son taking early steps here, his first few scrapes and bruised knees along that path, his first made up song on the green below, the abundance of birds dancing in the trees, the 800-year-old Rimu that holds my secrets, sharing the space with my parents when they visit. These memories of life and joy now filled me to the brim.
For some reason I kept thinking, “I’m not afraid”, “I don’t want to be afraid”, and “I don’t want the fear” as if it were a chant. And every time I thought it, it released.
I released the fear, the tension, the hurry, the guilt, the grief— I emptied it back to the Universe. My shoulders relaxed, the tension faded away to the abyss of wherever it belongs. Aware of my feet, I now suddenly felt grounded.
I breathed.
I’m happy.
There’s something magical that happens when you sit with joy. Today I sat with joy and allowed it to take over. Today I acknowledged it and let it become part of my breath. Even if the moment lasts twenty minutes, it’s there. And if it’s there, it’s not going anywhere.
Today I was aware of my breath and it took care of me.
While walking back to the car my stride was much slower, gentler, aware, and I couldn’t help but smile. To add to it, in my car U2’s The Fly played on the radio. They’re one of my all-time favorite bands, and I turned that shit all the way up.
The song was exactly the one I needed to hear at this moment.
My heart is full, my body relaxed, the warmth from the sun still on my face, and I am simply, happy.
Lyrics to U2’s The Fly, 1991 Achtung Baby
Oh, baby child
It’s no secret that the stars are falling from the sky
It’s no secret that our world is in darkness tonight
They say the sun is sometimes eclipsed by a moon
You know I don’t see you when she walks in the room
It’s no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It’s no secret that a liar won’t believe anyone else
They say a secret is something you tell one other person
So I’m telling you, child
A man will beg
A man will crawl
On the sheer face of love
Like a fly on a wall
It’s no secret at all
It’s no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest
It’s no secret ambition bites the nails of success
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief
All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief
Over love
A man will rise
A man will fall
From the sheer face of love
Like a fly from a wall
It’s no secret at all
Love, we shine like a
Burning star
We’re falling from the sky
Tonight
A man will rise
A man will fall
From the sheer face of love
Like a fly from a wall
It’s no secret at all
Oh, yeah!
It’s no secret that the stars are falling from the sky
The universe exploded ’cause of one man’s lie
Look, I gotta go, yeah I’m running outta change
There’s a lot of things, if I could I’d rearrange